Riding the Waves

It’s warmer today than it’s been all week, but I’m still cold. I usually run on the warm side, however that hasn’t been the case the last week. It’s twenty degrees right now and soon we’ll be back in single digit temperatures for the evening again. I thought the picture might help warm me up 🙂

The week has been okay. I’ve been riding the waves of emotion and energy level every day. I’ve been fighting double ear infections and haven’t wanted to do much of anything. I hate to report that, but I’m trying to be honest. That said, I have been writing daily and working through the 21 lessons in A Course in Weight Loss. I’m slowly but surely getting through the inventory of emotions in the first lesson. Some are harder than others. On Monday I worked on writing out my anger. I was surprised at all the things that came up to the surface. Turns out I was holding onto anger in all areas of my life. After I got it all written down, I felt noodley…like I had just stepped out of boiling water. I know it’s good to get all these emotions released.

I think I’ve been in denial about how many emotions I’ve been suppressing. I’ve already filled up most of the pages in the back of the book and I still have twenty more emotions to write about. When I really think about it, even as a child I had a hard time releasing my emotions. I remember being seven or eight years old and feeling slighted about something but not talking about it. Then a week would pass and it would fester. Eventually, I would explode and hardly remember the thing that made me upset in the first place. I’m realizing as I go through the process of writing out my emotions, that I still am holding onto more than I should.

I think I’m afraid of being considered emotional or crazy if I let it all out when I feel it. I’ve been told since I was little that I am too emotional so I guess I just learned to stuff it all down. I’m not always agreeable and I can be rather feisty, especially with my family, but I’m understanding with deeper clarity that emotional avoidance is something I need to keep working on.

I know that I have to embrace myself and come to peace with all of me. I need to accept every ounce of my personality and that has to mean that it’s fine to be an emotional mess from time to time. Maybe if I can ride the waves of my emotions in a healthy way, I won’t have to clean up the carnage of my emotional explosions for too much longer.

I’ll keep swimming through it. I’m definitely learning a lot and this is only the first lesson. I might choke on some salt water as I bob in the surf, but eventually the tide will even out and I’ll enjoy a back float in peace.


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