Solitary

I have been alone in the house since Saturday. It has been quiet and peaceful. This afternoon the weather started to turn and tonight has been cold and snowy. I want to curl up with a mug of hot tea and watch movies all night, but I have to be up early for school in the morning.

It has been a bit of “two steps forward, one step back” this week. I still think I’m making progress with this journey, however, I’ve come to a place of unease this week.

I think some of it has to do with the fact that it is quiet enough to actually hear myself think. I’ve been waking up from a self-imposed coma these last couple of weeks and I’m conscious of my size, figuratively and literally at the moment.

Today at school, I had an awkward conversation with another teacher about size. I don’t think I handled it well – mainly because it was seven in the morning and I hadn’t turned into a human being yet. After reflecting on the comment back and forth all day in my mind, I realize that the awkward element of the comment she made was about her issues with her weight  – not about me in particular.

For many years I feel like I have been the opposite of an anorexic. Let me explain. I have known people who have struggled with anorexia and no matter how thin they are, they still see themselves as overweight. I have been the inverse of this because I don’t think I am as overweight as I really am. Sometimes it shocks me to see photographs or my reflection in a window and I think, “Who is that person?”

That skewed perception of myself has been brought into focus with this project. I am accepting my size and self in a new, realistic way. Perhaps that’s why the size comment she made felt so odd – it was almost like she was fishing for my acceptance, to make herself feel okay with her own size. The conversation felt so strange today because I recognize the place she’s coming from, but it doesn’t fit me any longer.

I have been in this disproportionate body for at least half my life…as I connect to the real me that has been buried inside this fortress of skin, I’m coming to believe that avoiding the reality of my size only led me to get bigger and bigger every year.

It’s as if the more I ignored myself, the bigger I got in an attempt to get my own attention.  I feel a bit like a solitary tree in the storm. That image doesn’t have to be lonely or sad anymore…today it’s beautiful and strong.

I  don’t want to be the solitary tree and isolate. That’s part of the reason why this blog is important to my journey. I want to be honest and open about this process.

I am liking the idea of the image in this post because the tree is a symbol of my inner journey. Even if my physical body changes, my roots are deep and exist below the surface. I may be the only one who knows how deep they go. Doing the emotional inventory and seeing myself/size with realistic and loving eyes is hard work, but learning to value the strength of my roots and resolve to change is worth it.