Forest for the Trees

I have tried to post for hours. I keep typing and erasing. Typing and erasing.  I think I have so much to say, but not sure where to start. I saw this picture and immediately thought of the idiom – Can’t See the Forest for the Trees.

This idiom is used with someone who is overly concerned with detail, someone focusing on a particular problem who is, in turn, missing the whole point. I think you would have seen my picture next to this definition before I broke down at the end of 2010 and started this blog.

It would seem that I’m doing better at seeing the forest and the trees respectively these days and that feels good. I haven’t been obsessing about any particular problems and that has been sweet relief from my usual thought patterns.

I’ve noticed this change in thinking in many areas of my life, but especially in my love life. Last year I would have added the comment – or lack thereof, but this is a new year and the reemergence of my genuine self so there will be none of that negative nonsense.

Nothing of note has happened yet –  no, I’m going to scratch that. My perspective has changed and that is a huge accomplishment. I’m surprisingly open to the possibility of someone. I have been open to this possibility (in theory)  for quite some time, but in my mind there were always certain parameters. I was open to a particular person that I had invented in my head and no one in reality seemed to fit. These days I’m excited about the possibility of someone, but more importantly, I’m excited about the possibility of experience.

I’m still interested in meeting and sharing the rest of my life with someone special, however, I’m not looking for that at this moment. I realized a couple of weekends ago that inside I still feel like a teenager. In my late teens, I had my heart put through a blender on puree. In the aftermath of that love disaster, I closed the doors to my heart and haven’t unlocked them for anyone. I saved myself a lot of extra heartache in some ways, but I also caused myself much more suffering by not allowing myself to experience anything. I protected myself from the bad, but who knows what good I’ve missed out on.

I’m petrified to be vulnerable and I’m unnerved at even the thought of anything romantic because I’m so out of practice. Yet I don’t feel paralyzed by that fear any longer. I’m finally really open to the possibility of even flirting, maybe a date or two.

I’ve unlocked my doors and opened my eyes.

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