Heart on My Sleeve

Almost Happy Valentines day.

The Notebook is on t.v. and even though I have seen it nearly a billion times…I’m not going to change the channel. It’s one of the only movies that I enjoy more than the book. Don’t get me wrong, I love the book, but the movie took it to the next level. I think the chemistry between Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling made it magical. They changed the ending, but even that didn’t bother me. I love the scene when they dance in the street. I once enjoyed a slow dance in the street…

I also have been reading more of Meeting Your Half Orange by Amy Spencer. I was reluctant to pick up another self-help romance book because they generally are disappointing. This one, however, is well written and entertaining. I’m not very far into it because I’m juggling a handful of other books at the moment, but I think it was a good choice for this month. Check her out here for dating optimism and more.

This afternoon I was cold so I went upstairs to change and put on one of my favorite hooded sweaters. It’s covered with hearts (see picture above) and I don’t think it was a coincidence. I have love on the brain.

I have been reading about having faith and holding a belief that someone is making their way right to you. I’ve had a hard time with this in the past, but I’m doing my best to hold that thought and not focus on how or when it will happen – only to focus on the simple fact that it will happen.

Part of processing my feeling and staying present is committing to my truth. The truth is that I want to spend my life with a man who loves me. A man who I can love in return. I want a partnership, a lover, a partner in crime. Someone who makes me laugh and thinks I’m hilarious. A man who just has to smile and my world looks brighter. A safe place to land.

Wearing my heart on my sleeve hasn’t been easy the last ten years or so. My heart had been kicked around and I decided long ago to lock it away deep inside. I want to put myself out there. I want to try speed dating and meet new people. I want to feel confident that I’m a catch…

I’m scared. It’s that simple. I keep attempting to psych myself up and convince myself that there’s a lid for every pot. Then it all comes back to the fear. Sometimes the fear is all-encompassing that the one thing I want, need, crave more than anything else in this life will the one things that always eludes me.

I know I get in my own way. I’m learning more about myself every day and I think working through these books and my feelings will help alleviate the fear. I also know that nothing will change until I give it a try. I can’t expect the man of my dreams to walk right up to my door.

So, Happy Valentines Day everyone. I hope it’s a day filled with love and promise. I intend to work at all the padlocks around my healing heart. I might even have the courage to let it out for a while and see what happens.




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