Anthem

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

Leonard Cohen

School is over. It was a bittersweet ending to an intense semester. We had some fun, there were some tears and it seems surreal. I’m grieving having to leave a school that has become my home and I’m excited to continue on this teaching journey and see where I’ll end up. I wasn’t sure how I would feel once it was over…I feel like a real teacher and that feels pretty good 🙂

This last week I have been haunted by some old insecurities again. I want to shake up my life and continue growing with this personal journey that I started in January, however I am really wanting to run back into my old habits of avoidance and sabotage.

A friend of mine told me about an online dating site about a month ago. This last week I decided to get on there and check it out. It seems alright, but I have been avoiding completing my profile. Instead, I’ve just been checking out all the fish in the sea…anonymously. Why can I be brave enough to get to the edge, but not jump?

I’ve been inundated with thoughts of unworthiness again…Maybe I should wait until the end of the summer. Maybe I can lose some more weight. Maybe I should wait until I get this job thing figured out. All the old excuses.

I spoke to a couple of friends about this dilemma. They both told me to get over it and stop waiting. One friend in particular had some interesting things to say. I took their words to heart and I will finish my profile soon because I have made a commitment to this project, yet I feel like I’m already bracing for the impact of rejection.

It’s so silly to react this way and I know it is irrational, but it’s hard to forget a past of heartbreak. As much as I want to create a new romantic present…I’m letting my sense of inadequacy prevent me from actually being present.

I wish I could see myself the way my best friends see me. When it comes to putting myself out there romantically, I only seem to see the flaws.

One of my good friends is in LOVE with Leonard Cohen. She has seen him live a billion times and is one of his biggest fans. His music speaks to her in such a profound way. When I was thinking about this post, I thought of her and the Leonard Cohen song Anthem. I needed a reminder that nothing is perfect and the cracks are an essential part of beauty because without them, how would the light get through?

My insecurities will not go away over night, nor can I prevent the possibility of rejection or future heartbreak. However, I can ring the bells that still can ring. I can be brave. I can put myself out there again. I can embrace the cracks and learn to live in the light.

Learning To Let Go

I’m happy to report that I was able to finish my SAPS portfolio and I am a real teacher. I still have to file for my license with the Colorado Department of Education, but it feels great and surreal to type this sentence. It has been so much work, but I know it is going to be worth it.

I seriously neglected this blog this last month. Between taking over the class at school and finishing my portfolio – there just was no time to write. In all honesty, there was not much time for sleep or fun or anything else this last month.  Now, I’m heading into my last week of school with students and looking forward to the summer. I will be working as a nanny (hopefully), taking a class, writing, singing, resting, applying for teaching jobs and continuing this journey. I want to pick up where I left off. I have been very reflective all this time, I just haven’t documented it here.

The month of May has been full of success and failure. A real roller coaster of emotion and exhaustion. I wish I would have taken a picture of my dark circles. I looked like a raccoon. Last week, I was told by my Principal that it is a very tough climate to find a job as a teacher. That said, principals will be interviewing in June. However, most people won’t be getting jobs until August. She said not to get frustrated. I trust her and I know that she will do whatever she can to help us get jobs. I also have a centralized phone interview with an HR representative from Denver Public Schools this Tuesday.

I have been very freaked out the last couple of months about finding a job. The anxiety was making me sick. I was having nightmares about it. After I turned in my portfolio, I suddenly had a sense of peace about it. I don’t know if it’s just intuition or what, but I feel that the work I have done in the last two years will help me land up in the right place and the right job. For what ever reason, I feel like I will have a teaching job in August.

I have also been experiencing a great deal of anxiety about one of my relationships. I have gone back and forth, over and over again about what to do. Although I have gotten some well-meaning advice from friends, I wasn’t sure what the right action was. This week, the universe took care of it on its own and I have to say, I am feeling at peace about that situation as well. I have been trying desperately to understand why this person is in my life. This morning, it hit me. I finally understand. It felt like an answered prayer. This feeling of peace may be fleeting, but I really think I have come to a new perspective that will last.

This project is all about learning how to be myself, right now, in this moment and not to run away from anything that makes me uncomfortable. I have wanted to escape recently, but instead, I’ve sat in the discomfort and dealt with it. I have cried and talked for hours with friends and family about it. I have prayed and meditated and wondered how I could ever get to a place of peace. I have learned more about myself. I don’t feel that May was a bust because I have had some major breakthroughs.

I’m looking forward to this summer. I’m excited to keep pushing myself on this journey and learn to be Mary – 100% Mary all the time. I can spend my life trying to be what other people want me to be or I can experience some discomfort and spend my life striving to be myself. I’m learning to embrace the latter. Learning to let go is one of my life’s biggest lessons. I don’t think I have slayed that dragon for good, but I definitely won the small battle this month.

Raw

I haven’t been avoiding you, blog. I promise!

I have been swamped with school work and the bumpy ride of life these last two weeks. Every day I say that I will post something…a small note that I’ll be back in the blog-sphere soon. But, somehow or another each day speeds past and this blog has fallen to the bottom of the list.

I’m sleep deprived and numb from all the work of being a full-time teacher and student, but I am in my final days of school work and I should be finishing up my portfolio tonight and tomorrow. I should be a licensed teacher soon.

A quick thanks to my close friends who pulled me up out of the gutter yesterday. I needed some major pep talks and you lent your ear and I am very grateful. I have been burning the candle at both ends and I am pretty much just a big pile of melted wax. Thanks for helping to lead me back to my form.

I have a million things I want to write, but not another second to spare. I will be back with updates next week.

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