Learning To Let Go

I’m happy to report that I was able to finish my SAPS portfolio and I am a real teacher. I still have to file for my license with the Colorado Department of Education, but it feels great and surreal to type this sentence. It has been so much work, but I know it is going to be worth it.

I seriously neglected this blog this last month. Between taking over the class at school and finishing my portfolio – there just was no time to write. In all honesty, there was not much time for sleep or fun or anything else this last month.  Now, I’m heading into my last week of school with students and looking forward to the summer. I will be working as a nanny (hopefully), taking a class, writing, singing, resting, applying for teaching jobs and continuing this journey. I want to pick up where I left off. I have been very reflective all this time, I just haven’t documented it here.

The month of May has been full of success and failure. A real roller coaster of emotion and exhaustion. I wish I would have taken a picture of my dark circles. I looked like a raccoon. Last week, I was told by my Principal that it is a very tough climate to find a job as a teacher. That said, principals will be interviewing in June. However, most people won’t be getting jobs until August. She said not to get frustrated. I trust her and I know that she will do whatever she can to help us get jobs. I also have a centralized phone interview with an HR representative from Denver Public Schools this Tuesday.

I have been very freaked out the last couple of months about finding a job. The anxiety was making me sick. I was having nightmares about it. After I turned in my portfolio, I suddenly had a sense of peace about it. I don’t know if it’s just intuition or what, but I feel that the work I have done in the last two years will help me land up in the right place and the right job. For what ever reason, I feel like I will have a teaching job in August.

I have also been experiencing a great deal of anxiety about one of my relationships. I have gone back and forth, over and over again about what to do. Although I have gotten some well-meaning advice from friends, I wasn’t sure what the right action was. This week, the universe took care of it on its own and I have to say, I am feeling at peace about that situation as well. I have been trying desperately to understand why this person is in my life. This morning, it hit me. I finally understand. It felt like an answered prayer. This feeling of peace may be fleeting, but I really think I have come to a new perspective that will last.

This project is all about learning how to be myself, right now, in this moment and not to run away from anything that makes me uncomfortable. I have wanted to escape recently, but instead, I’ve sat in the discomfort and dealt with it. I have cried and talked for hours with friends and family about it. I have prayed and meditated and wondered how I could ever get to a place of peace. I have learned more about myself. I don’t feel that May was a bust because I have had some major breakthroughs.

I’m looking forward to this summer. I’m excited to keep pushing myself on this journey and learn to be Mary – 100% Mary all the time. I can spend my life trying to be what other people want me to be or I can experience some discomfort and spend my life striving to be myself. I’m learning to embrace the latter. Learning to let go is one of my life’s biggest lessons. I don’t think I have slayed that dragon for good, but I definitely won the small battle this month.


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