Anthem

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

Leonard Cohen

School is over. It was a bittersweet ending to an intense semester. We had some fun, there were some tears and it seems surreal. I’m grieving having to leave a school that has become my home and I’m excited to continue on this teaching journey and see where I’ll end up. I wasn’t sure how I would feel once it was over…I feel like a real teacher and that feels pretty good 🙂

This last week I have been haunted by some old insecurities again. I want to shake up my life and continue growing with this personal journey that I started in January, however I am really wanting to run back into my old habits of avoidance and sabotage.

A friend of mine told me about an online dating site about a month ago. This last week I decided to get on there and check it out. It seems alright, but I have been avoiding completing my profile. Instead, I’ve just been checking out all the fish in the sea…anonymously. Why can I be brave enough to get to the edge, but not jump?

I’ve been inundated with thoughts of unworthiness again…Maybe I should wait until the end of the summer. Maybe I can lose some more weight. Maybe I should wait until I get this job thing figured out. All the old excuses.

I spoke to a couple of friends about this dilemma. They both told me to get over it and stop waiting. One friend in particular had some interesting things to say. I took their words to heart and I will finish my profile soon because I have made a commitment to this project, yet I feel like I’m already bracing for the impact of rejection.

It’s so silly to react this way and I know it is irrational, but it’s hard to forget a past of heartbreak. As much as I want to create a new romantic present…I’m letting my sense of inadequacy prevent me from actually being present.

I wish I could see myself the way my best friends see me. When it comes to putting myself out there romantically, I only seem to see the flaws.

One of my good friends is in LOVE with Leonard Cohen. She has seen him live a billion times and is one of his biggest fans. His music speaks to her in such a profound way. When I was thinking about this post, I thought of her and the Leonard Cohen song Anthem. I needed a reminder that nothing is perfect and the cracks are an essential part of beauty because without them, how would the light get through?

My insecurities will not go away over night, nor can I prevent the possibility of rejection or future heartbreak. However, I can ring the bells that still can ring. I can be brave. I can put myself out there again. I can embrace the cracks and learn to live in the light.

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