The Sausage King of Chicago

I normally want to begin with one of my own images, but since Abe Froman was the inspiration for our winning night at Trivia last night, I thought this was appropriate.

It’s been a pretty good week so far. School hasn’t been quite as crazy as last week. I have been exercising almost everyday. There is a beautiful lake at my apartment complex and I’ve enjoyed walking around it, looking at the beautiful leaves and enjoying the crisp air.

The last couple of days have been some of my best teaching days as well. I think I am feeling a greater sense of confidence in so many areas of my life. One of the many blessings of this project has been learning how to be present in my own skin. There are still things that bother me about myself, but the scale is tipping more toward acceptance these days. I know I still have a ways to go, but I feel closer to being whole than I have in many, many years.

Tonight, I came home from my walk and made a pretty snazzy dinner for myself. I had leeks that needed cooked and I found a new recipe online. It didn’t turn out to be super tasty, but I tried something new. At least I’m cooking for myself. I was really bad about cooking when I lived alone before. I would mainly eat microwave dinners or fast food – lots of junk.

Eating pretty healthy most of the time is helping my energy level and body. I am noticing that I am getting smaller as well. Not anything to big, but my clothes are fitting looser. I wore a leather jacket last weekend that wouldn’t zip last fall. I also have more work to do with my body image issues, yet I know that I couldn’t have put myself out there like I did on Saturday night without all this work. That wouldn’t have been a reality even a couple of months ago.

I am going to continue to be open to all of this. All the changes, all the shifting – literally and figuratively.

I am also going to continue having fun, being silly, laughing and being authentic.

Danke Schoen and goodnight.

Beginners Luck

Well I survived my big night. I got my hair cut and unfortunately my hairstylist just made a mess of it. I had to race home and try to comb out all the bird nest motif and try to straighten it. I was doing good on time, but then I couldn’t find the shoes I wanted to wear and I started to second guess my outfit. I ended up getting there about twenty minutes late, but people were just drinking and having appetizers anyway. I almost went back upstairs and out to the parking lot, but I marched myself to the bathroom and gave myself a pep talk. It was two hours of my life and I was already there…

I had two missions with this experiment:

1). Make a gesture to the universe that I’m interested in meeting someone and I’m willing to put myself out of my comfort zone to find them.

2). Be authentic and in the moment, whether I wanted to or not and not have any expectations – just try to have fun.

I was able to accomplish both last night.

Most of the men there were significantly older than me, but very nice. I am more than willing to be with an older guy, if he is the right guy, but some of these men were closer to my father’s age than my own. That said, there were a couple of cute guys, one in particular. We will call him Harry. He was cute, but painfully shy. He had two friends with him, who I am sure had good intentions, but they were more like bodyguards. I tried to talk to him a couple of times and he gave me some good smiles, however nothing much else. I ended up speaking to everybody, I had some nice conversation, a bit of flirtation and surprisingly some fun. I also won two of the prizes.

I met a nice man as well, who was funny and kind. We had easy conversation and I was proud of myself for being my authentic self with him especially. We will call him Will. Will was great, but there just wasn’t a spark. Once the event was over, I was trying to chat up one of the bodyguards for a better chance to chat with Harry, but then I started chatting with Will and before I could react, Harry and the bodyguards were leaving. I learned a good lesson, to take the time to pursue what I am interested in, because you don’t expect when the clock strikes midnight and you are too late.

Will asked if I had made a match and I confessed that I had been interested in someone, but that he had just left. We kept talking and I was open and warm – all the things that I had wanted to be. I was proud of myself for being brave, not sabotaging myself with expectations and flirting in good faith.

I didn’t think that Will liked me, but that became clear a bit later. I felt like I had led him on, but that hadn’t been my intention. I was just having fun with a nice guy…in hindsight, I should have spent my energy on a guy I was interested in.

For all intents and purposes, it was a very successful night. I can’t say that I have a date scheduled with a man who I like, but I can say mission accomplished and I finally feel more confident about putting myself out there again.

My favorite book is The Alchemist. In the book, Paulo Coelho writes about beginners luck. When someone commits to their personal legend or destiny, the Universe conspires to help them with beginners luck so that they have a taste of success and keep moving toward their dream. I felt that last night was just the hint of success that I needed to proceed.

I also unfortunately had to have a hard conversation with Will today, but even that was successful. I wasn’t sure what to say and I didn’t want to hurt him. I just said what I would have liked to hear. I was honest and that is always the best policy.

I recently finished the book  Meeting Your Half Orange that I had begun a couple of months ago for this project. Amy Spencer talks about the spout. That meeting men who are not exactly right is actually a clue that your on the right track. Like beginners luck, a sprout is a man or situation that proves to you that a great guy is out there. Will was a sprout for me. He was nice and fun, he was complimentary and affectionate – just not the right chemistry. I am grateful that I met him. He made me feel like a catch. He helped to believe that I am. Even though he wasn’t a perfect fit, he was proof that I am on the right track.

I am not sure what my next move is. I am not exactly sure I want to try online dating again, but I do know that I’ll be more open to the romantic situations that arise. I am going to keep being my authentic self and having fun. The rest will figure itself out in time.

Finding My Way Home

Hello blog!

I have had so much to write about and just haven’t found a free minute to get it down. I don’t think I will get it all down in this one post, but it was time to jump back in.

I am loving my new job and my new home. I feel like my whole life has turned upside down, in a wonderful way. I haven’t been this much at peace in a long time. I am still a bit nervous about money, but I know that fear is connected to old days. I think I need a couple more months of success under my belt and that should help show me that those days are over.

This has been a stressful week, but just in the sense that I have had so much to do at school. The pace has definitely picked up and there is no stopping this train. I am grateful to be on the ride.

I am enjoying being on my own again. I love my mom and dad and I am thankful that I had a place to land, but it is SO wonderful to be in my own spot.  I have felt stuck and slipping like I was living in quicksand for  years. It feels good to have seen some reward from the hard work these last two years.

Moving was more emotional than I expected it to be. I think seeing all the mess from my old life was too much. At first, I wasn’t sure I would be strong enough to go through all of it again, but I realized quickly just how much I had changed since January. I was able to easily let go of all sorts of stuff – clothes, books, shoes, kitchen stuff. Anything that didn’t suit me anymore had to go. I had an easy time letting that old me go. Like shedding my skin, it didn’t fit anymore and it all fell away. I am the changing leaves of fall, I am letting the past die to make way for new buds of hope.

This last weekend I was able to go to Buena Vista. I wanted to catch some of the autumn leaves, but we had a cold snap on Saturday. It was still beautiful and made for some interesting pictures. It was unbelievable to experience multiple seasons at once. I also got some good rest. That mountain house is like a sedative. I think my soul just recognizes that I can unwind when I walk through the doors.

I have been making good decisions about my own care. I have been eating well, exercising and getting at least 7 hours of rest most nights. I will say that this is happening more often than not. I also am being super brave this weekend. I will be attending my first singles event here in Denver. A lock and key party. It is very Freud and I hope it will be very fun. I will post all about it this weekend.

I’m going to wait to post until Sunday this week because of the event. I will be posting regular again starting now. I have missed documenting my journey here. I know I have been missing in action, but I have still been evolving!

Talk soon.

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October 2011

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