No Two Alike

The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed.
The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.

Kahlil Gibran

It is almost the end of 2011. The anniversary of this blog project is near and I have been reflecting on my journey this last year for the last couple of days. This time last year, I was alone and reeling with the realization that I had been asleep for too long. I had closed the door of my heart and was filled with regret of wasted days. I made a committment to spend the next year breaking down my walls, being present and finding a way to love and accept my authentic self. I made a commitment to document the process here.

The future is no place to place your better days.  ~Dave Matthews

I did not accomplish complete enlightenment, acceptance or watch all my dreams come true. I did, however, gain awareness, compassion for myself and get the chance to see some dreams come true. I removed most of the bricks from around my heart and gave it the opportunity to breathe again. I looked long and hard at the obstacles I had placed in my own path and did my best to not turn away. I allowed myself to be broken and found a way to shine a light on those shattered bits. In the light I discovered that the pieces still fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. With the love and support of the people around me, I was able to put most of myself back together again.

Pile up too many tomorrows and you’ll find that you’ve collected nothing but a bunch of empty yesterdays.  ~The Music Man

I learned that I am harder on myself than anyone else is. I took on other people’s version of the truth about myself, instead of ascribing to my own. I let old heartbreak and rejection dictate my present happiness. I realized I didn’t have to give it any power to hurt me anymore. I haven’t completely recovered from that old hurt, but I’m re-learning how to be brave and ask for what I need.

You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present.  ~Jan Glidewell

I’ve decided to keep writing this blog and continue my committment to this process. I couldn’t have dreamed all the ways that I would change in these last twelve months. My life is so different. I am different. I am better. I am not the same. I have come to something deep inside that had been forgotten. I am excited to continue to grow and see what 2012 has in store for me. There were some dark days in 2011, I don’t want to paint this pristine picture, but peaks and valleys are the reality of life. As a friend of mine reminded me before Christmas, You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometime, you find you get what you need.

I found that I do get what I need. I get above what I need. 2011 was a year of tested faith, surrender, vulnerability, learning and grace. I sit here, writing this, blessed in ways I didn’t know were possible when I started this blog a year ago. I have moments of distrust, in fact I had a bout of it yesterday morning but it didn’t derail me like it used to. I am chipping away at changing out-dated patterns and habits that don’t serve the real me.  I still have work to do, yet my burden isn’t so heavy.

Your life is an occasion. Rise to it. – Mr. Edward Magorium

I am proud of this last year. I am pleased that I put myself in situations that made me uncomfortable and pushed me to my limits. I am satisfied that I made decisions that supported my good, instead of continuing to treat myself with unkindness and expect different results. I learned that I can’t run on empty emotionally, spiritually or physically anymore. I learned that changing the way I eat makes me feel whole again. Trusting my instincts and listening to my own voice fills me with peace. Not apologizing for who I am and embracing my light and dark sides is what I have needed for a long time. I am more prepared to love another since I have started to love and care for myself.

Pick the day. Enjoy it – to the hilt. The day as it comes. People as they come… The past, I think, has helped me appreciate the present – and I don’t want to spoil any of it by fretting about the future. – Audrey Hepburn

Snowflakes are a major symbol in my book The Christmas Child. Snowflakes are unique, like a human fingerprint. I have learned this last year that I am unique and that is fine. I don’t need to live my life under any one else’s direction or idea of what is right. I am here for a specific purpose and my life will unfold the way it is meant to. I don’t need to worry about not being married or being a mother or a famous writer…those things might be headed my way some day, but as I’ve learned though this project imposing my expectations doesn’t change the outcome of my experiences, it only leads to disappointment. When I allow my life bloom in its natural way and be present in the process, I discover that I am pleasantly surprised with what happens.

In rivers, the water that you touch is the last of what has passed and the first of that which comes; so with present time. – Leonardo da Vinci

I want to thank the friends who have supported me through this year. You have helped me move literally and figuratively into a new way of life. You have listened and inspired me. I am a lucky girl! I want to thank those of you who have read these posts and taken this journey with me. It hasn’t been easy to be open and I have a hard time being vulnerable. I’ve done my best to show you my mess and I appreciate the love.  I want to end this crazy long post with the lyrics to a song I wrote this year. I found the lyrics a couple of days ago and it showcases where I have come from and where I am heading.

I took the padlock off my heart

Looking for a brand new start

Forgiveness

Not sure where to begin

Gather up what I’ve been given

Try to heal

Crawled inside and looked around

Amazed at what I found

Dejected

Swept the cobwebs aside

No longer desire to hide

My pain

I will love again

This has turned into something more

You’ve opened up the door

Embraced me

Smiles lead the way

To trust and what may

Allowing

I will love again

Can’t know what will happen

How the story will end

But this tree won’t break in the wind

Anymore

Not sure what it means

If it means anything

At all

But I’m walking down the road

Toward the horizon with hope

Eyes open

I will love again

Took the padlock off my heart

Looking for a brand new start

Today

Happy New Year everyone. Here’s to a beautiful year ahead.

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