Underbelly of Light

Things started to slow down a little this week. I only had one initial IEP meeting and one annual meeting. On Wednesday we started TCAP testing for the third graders and I could hardly get out of bed to get to work for a parent meeting before school. I had a feeling that some bug was trying to work its way into my system. Sure enough, Thursday rolled around and I was feeling pretty yucky. By Thursday night it was much worse and I knew I better be seen by my asthma doctor on Friday.

A teacher friend of mine suggested Umcka when I was under the weather in November. I had some this time and was able to start taking it on Thursday night when I started to feel sick. The doc put me on an antibiotic, prednisone, steroid nasal spray and albuterol nebs. This morning I still felt pretty sick, but this afternoon things started to turn around. I think the Umcka really did lessen the duration of it. It could also be that my lungs are not being bombarded with dairy anymore either.

I have a long weekend because of President’s Day and I am really excited that I seem to be on the mend and won’t be feeling crappy for all of my time off. I worked on my house this afternoon and felt very productive. I still have work to do, but it’s much closer to looking like my home than it was 24 hours ago.

I got a haircut last weekend and cut off at least 3 inches. It is now in a cute, sassy bob. I love it. I needed to shed some old energy and this was a good way to do it. I needed to leave some of myself behind to be swept away. I feel lighter in a lot of ways. I am looking forward to warmer weather when I can exercise outside again. In the meantime, once my lungs are a little stronger next week I am going to start making time for Zumba and Yoga again.

I feel like things are looking up. I am being proactive about a lot of things that I wish to change or shift. I am taking steps to reclaim my creativity and get back into writing. I am learning how not to tie my value to others or my body image.

Tonight, I am going to watch a movie and go to bed early. Hopefully, tomorrow I will feel even better.

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Lighten Up

I was right. Sunday was pretty bad still, but things did start to feel better on Monday. My inner critic is still coming to the surface more than I’d like, but I made a decision on Sunday that I would be finding a counselor to speak to about the things that came up last weekend. Just making that healthy choice for myself helped to lighten things for me.

I have been to counseling before but not for about 13 years. I had a friend recommend a couple of people, but I had someone in mind that had certain expertise. I did an online search and found a woman who really resonated with me, even through a web page. I contacted her and planned to speak to her on the phone tonight.

We did talk and I felt very comfortable with her. I am not quick to open up about my feelings with people I know and trust, yet alone a stranger. That sounds kind of funny, I’m sure if you have been following this blog on a regular basis but I really have to force myself to be honest about my feelings in this setting. Anyway, we spoke for a while and I was pleasantly surprised at how easy it was for me to open up to her. I was honest and put my concerns out there. Maybe it was that we connected well, yet I think it also helps that I am ready to stop living in a way that doesn’t value me. There was a lot of synchronicity about this counselor and I’m excited to see where this leads.

I’m a bit nervous about paying for it, but I can submit the invoices to my insurance and she will offer me a sliding scale as well. Committing to this is also a statement about my worth. I am finally ready to work through these feelings of unworthiness and claim ownership of who I am.

Good night.

Stones in Pockets

I watched The Hours today. I have watched it once before, but I forgot how sad it is. I can’t get the image of Virginia Woolf wading into the river, her pockets full of stones, out of my head.

I have been filled with despair this weekend. Don’t worry. I won’t be wading in the water anytime soon, but this dark hole has reminded me of some old hurts that aren’t healed…not even close.

I have tucked away these feelings of unworthiness so well that I thought I had actually moved on and healed. I’m learning this weekend that my wounded heart is still beating, but this new gash brings my attention to the fact that I am still hurting. The good thing is that I am not in that protective coma anymore, but that is also the bad thing. I am feelings things, awful things and I’m not liking it. I want to return to my shell and hide REALLY bad.

I am having a ton of dark thoughts too – black strap molasses thoughts about my packaging and how it is less than desirable. What this really means is that I haven’t evolved and healed my negative body image stuff like I thought I had. I knew I still had work to do, but I am now painfully aware that I am essentially back at square one. I have to find a way to accept the person I am right now and know that it is enough.

I guess it isn’t fair to consider this a total reset – I am sitting in the discomfort. I’m not running away. I am not isolating as much as I would have in the past. I am establishing boundaries. I am trying to pick myself up and I will try again. Even though I don’t want to.

I’m sad and lonely. Even looking at that sentence depresses me. I want to erase this entire post and pretend that I don’t feel any of this, that everything is fine and I’m fine and to everything there is a season. I’d love to pretend that it all makes sense in the grander scheme and I have faith that it will be okay.

But tonight, it’s not fine. It wasn’t fine yesterday either. And it probably won’t be fine tomorrow. But on Monday it will have to be fine because I refuse to go back into the fallout shelter that was my old life. I will find a way to change my perspective and learn to love who I am, come hell or high water. But I will do it without stones in my pockets. I am stronger than I was before, even if I still feel broken.

Emotional Honesty and Exhaustion

Today has been a tough one. I went to a devastatingly sad funeral and I am emotionally drained. My eyes hurt and I will be putting myself to bed as soon as I click the “publish” button.

I also took my fate into my own hands today and committed a brave act. I am nervous about the outcome, but as I witnessed today, life is too short and I couldn’t just sit and wait any longer. There are still so many things I want to experience and it was time I looked my fear in the eye and took a risk.

I will elaborate more on Saturday.

Goodnight.

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