Divine Intervention

Sorry there wasn’t a post on Wednesday. I had a 16 hour day and felt very sick when I got home about 10:30. The rest of the week flew by and got away from me.

I have been working through The Book of Awakening and I’m loving it. The writing is so beautiful and I find myself wanting to skip ahead and devour all of it because it’s just so uplifting. I’m also really getting a lot from the meditations. They are making me think and pushing me out of my comfort level…urging me out of the little box I’ve been sitting in for so long.

The Universe is urging me to speak up. It’s on the radio – Say what you need to say. It’s in the Tarot cards – Don’t give up and speak up for your needs. It’s in the Mark Nepo daily essays – Still it is the heart’s capacity to rise one more time after falling down, no matter how bruised. Our way depends not just on facing things head on, but in moving our whole being through.

I’m standing on the edge of a ravine, looking at the other side. I can see the lush scenery and my head knows that all I have to do is jump. My heart, however, remembers all the times I have fallen in the past and is so scared to leap again.

I want to speak up. I want to tell how I feel. I want to know that my love would be accepted and welcomed with open arms. Yet, I’m too scared to voice it for fear that more of my love will go to waste.

I keep praying for a sign, but what I’m really praying for is proof that I won’t be hurt…those prayers will go unanswered because I know that is an impossible request. I am too afraid to speak up, but even more afraid that my life won’t change or I won’t change until I do say what I need to say.

I guess now I need to pray for divine intervention and ask for help in getting out of my own way. I have thought for years how easy it would be to have someone else speak up to me, tell me their true feelings, but then I would never learn this lesson.  I’m being present. I’m trying to stand in the eye of the storm. Maybe I’ll be able to take this necessary leap to the other side soon.

Starting Fresh

I’m FINALLY feeling better today. I had to be put on a third round of antibiotics and another week of prednisone, but I’m not feeling like an elephant is sitting on my chest anymore. That is certainly a step in the right direction 🙂

I was flipping through an old O magazine last night as I did a nebulizer treatment and I was reading about books that matter to Yoko Ono. One of the books looked pretty interesting so I looked it up on Amazon. 50 Secrets of the World’s Longest Living People by Sally Beare. Similar to the books I’ve been reading by Michael Pollan, it seems that a drastic change in my diet could be the best thing for my immediate health and a brighter future.

I started reading it last night on my Kindle and although some of it seems like simple advice, it’s still advice I need to hear and heed. The long living Okinawans say, “Food and medicine from the same source.” The idea that changing my diet might prevent me from having to go through this hellish illness again, is worth a shot.

So I will be finishing my reading and research this 21 day period and start implementing some of this lifestyle changes this month. I intend to reformat my diet completely before my birthday in May. I found a great groupon today for a door to door organic food delivery service and I think that is a good place to start. A fresh start!

Painful Metamorphosis

I always thought that butterflies were beautiful, but I have to admit that the symbolism seemed kind of trite. I am now thinking that trite or not, it is very appropriate symbolism and imagery in my life right now.

I’m feeling better. I slept better last night than I have all week and that I think has made all the difference. I don’t have much energy yet – at best the energy level of a rinsed noodle. But I digress… back to the matter at hand. I dreamed of butterflies last night. I have been reading about butterfly gardens. I have butterflies on the brain.

March seems like a wash. I was so busy with school stuff and ignoring most of my human needs that I don’t feel like I got much accomplished on this journey. It wasn’t wasted time…it never is. I hope that April brings new commitment and hope and warmth of Spring.

We all know that butterflies represent transformation. In the span of a month, the small creature expends an enormous amount of energy to go through such a painful metamorphosis. After doing some research this morning, I realized another important element of symbolism for me.

The butterfly embraces this painful change as a natural part of its existence. It fully accepts its call to change as a natural part of life. It has faith that after the dark night of the soul, it will emerge from the lonely cocoon as a thing of great beauty. It will unfurl its vibrant wings and fly off into freedom.

This week has been a painful reminder that my health needs attention. I may not be able to cure myself of asthma, but I can take better care of myself in the interim. April is going to be about really trying to find that balance and begin to nurture myself. I have to. It’s too important to put off any longer. I know I wanted that back in January, yet this illness has shown me that I’m still just going through the motions. These 21 days will be about going inside. My transformation may still be painful, but I’m trying to have faith like the butterfly that I will emerge a thing of beauty and find freedom on the other side.

Spring Awakening and the Iron Lung

I’m about halfway into my Spring Break and I’m still struggling to breathe. Today was better than yesterday, but I just coughed so hard that I thought I was going to pass out. I know that I am improving because the cough is productive. I’m getting this poison out of my lungs, but it is laborious and exhausting. So much for a relaxing week in the mountains, right?

I have struggled with my health off and on for my entire life. I came into this world fighting and there have been moments (or years) of that same fight as I’ve grown into a woman. I know that this illness this last week is small in comparison to some of the things I have survived in the past, but having to put off something fun because of being sick, takes me into a dark place of despair and disappointment.

This journey is about the present and right now, in this moment, I am striving to not feel defeated. I have been working at mending my whole self through this process and this set-back is hitting me hard. I don’t want my body to be my enemy anymore.

I know that taking better care of myself with good rest, healthy food and daily exercise would go a long way in helping with my health, however that feels too little too late at the moment.

I dreamed about going up to Buena Vista for weeks. I daydreamed of writing, sleeping in, hiking my favorite canyon…My family and I had discussed going up for a long weekend if I was improving. Even though I have seen some improvement today, it isn’t enough. I realized today that going up into the higher altitude will only set me back. I can’t miss any school next week so it is in my best interest to stay here in town.

I feel the need to grieve. I didn’t want to write about it, but that was an indication that I should. I also want things to change and feel more drive than ever to reconnect to my body in a healthy manner. When I look forward to the rest of this year and all the years I will be blessed with, I want to know I was living my best life all of the time. I intend to be well.

In reality, people get sick. Especially teachers who are caring for and educating sick students who come to school and share all their germs. I may always struggle with asthma. I may not. It’s hard to say. I do know that I have scaled bigger mountains with my health and this disappointment will fade.

For now I can ask my angels for a speedy recovery and a better nights sleep. It’s going to be 75 degrees on Saturday. I hope that I will be feeling good enough to get out in the sun and enjoy some of this Spring Awakening. They say that vitamin D is good for depression. It might be just what the doctor ordered to get me back on my feet.

Great Expectations

I have been thinking a lot about expectations today. One of my worst personality traits is that I’m notorious for creating expectations that can’t possibly be managed in reality. I had been really looking forward to something this week and inadvertently built it up in my mind – built it up so much that when it came crashing back down to reality, I was faced with the consequences. Disappointment.

I have been trying to manage my expectations with this project and have done a pretty good job, considering my track record. However, I’ve allowed myself to get out of control again the last couple of weeks. I understand that having expectations opens the door to that sinking feeling of failure.

I also feel like a failure today because every time I feel like I’m getting better at reading other people’s signals – that blows up in my face too. As I read back that sentence to myself, it seems absurd. It would be nice not to have to read signals or build these sand castles of expectations in my mind.

I know I can’t fix this tonight…I may never be able to fix it. It is a part of me like my wrist bone or my unique laugh. But after feeling the dull ache of disappointment today, I’m determined to find a way to temper my unrealistic expectations before the year is through.

Up A Creek

At least I still have a paddle…

Once again, I am late posting this week. This teaching stuff is messing with my head. After a 12 hour day yesterday, I came home and changed into my jammies and called it a night. It didn’t dawn on me until about an hour ago when Grey’s Anatomy came on that I had missed my Wednesday posting.

It has been a quiet week. I’ve been working away at my Mt. Everest of homework and I can report that as of Thursday evening, I have made it to base camp one. That isn’t super comforting, but it does mean that I’m making progress. Graduate school is not for sissies!

On top of all my homework, I’m also trying to get my resume in perfect order and begin the task of applying for teaching jobs. I went to a presentation at the career center on campus today and received some good information on how to tweak my resume and make it shine. I’ll take any shine I can get.

On a personal note – I’ve been pretty bad at taking care of myself: staying up too late, eating fast food, not exercising, not writing. I know that I need to get on a regular sleep schedule and I should get up earlier in the morning, but I just haven’t been able to manage that lately.

I’m going to work on at least trying a sleep schedule from now until Monday and see if that makes a difference in my energy level and my motivation to keep up on the stuff that matters to my soul, not just my education.

I’ll check in soon.

 

 

Sleeping Beauty

A weeks worth of sleep deprivation finally got me last night. I came home from a birthday party and essentially crashed. I had homework to work on and a post to write…but instead I was asleep by 9 pm. Sorry for being late twice this week.

I had a wonderful evening with a friend on Friday. I hadn’t seen him in about a month and it was refreshing to spend time with him. It’s one of those friendships that gets better and better. We enjoyed Indian food and then went for coffee at one of our old haunts called Pablo’s. We spoke about my concerns about having enough room in my life for a great relationship and he gave me some wonderful feedback on the matter. He said not to worry about the man of dreams not fitting, because he will be so in step with me when we meet that he will automatically fit perfectly. I will have to make time to see him, of course but that will be easy.

This was exactly what I needed to hear. We laughed a lot and I felt lighter just being in his presence.

I have been working on changing my attitude toward relationships and love. Even making some small adjustments in my attitude seems to be making a difference. While my friend and I sat at Pablo’s, I received many smiles and offered many smiles in return. It might be small, but I know that something has shifted in what I’m sending out into the world. It’s nice to get some positive reinforcement from the Universe.

This is a picture of my coffee from Pablo’s. The barista might not have meant anything by it at all, but it was a nice nudge that my efforts aren’t going unnoticed.

This week I’ll be focusing on catching up on my Mt. Everest of homework, getting back into my grid, going to bed earlier and creating my  big relationship list.

Talk soon…

Life’s Like a Box of Chocolates…

I had one of the nicest Valentine’s days on record. I got some great gifts, heard from almost all the people who I love and got some sweet treats from my students. I felt pretty special!

I promised a super post last night and I’m afraid that I don’t really have a super post in me at the moment.

I’m usually pretty on top of things. I write lists. I juggle whatever gets thrown my way and most of the time I get a bunch accomplished every day. That said, my wheels have been spinning this week. I have tons of schoolwork looming and suddenly it’s Thursday. I’m exhausted. I slept through my alarm this morning. Luckily, it was only 6:20 am when I rolled over and realized it was getting lighter outside. I got dressed and got on the road, luckily I wasn’t late to school.

I’m not sure how I’m going to get it all done.

I’ve also been seriously freaking out about money and that hasn’t made things any easier. My new-found faith is certainly being tested. Experience tells me that it will work out, but I’m still on edge.

Why, Mary, you shouldn’t be freaking out. You’ve got all these great things in your grid – meditation and prayer. You should feel so zen…

Confession alert. I have practically abandoned the bulk of my grid for almost two weeks. Every day I convince myself that there isn’t enough time and everyday I fall a little more off the horse. I’m embarrassed to admit this. However, I think writing it down acknowledges the slip and helps me get things right again.

I have a long weekend coming up and I want to get back into the swing of things. I think finding my way back into the grid will help me feel more at ease, give me a small grasp at something solid when my life is overflowing with craziness.

I have been working through the Meeting Your Half Orange book and that is going really well. I’ve had some pretty big light bulb epiphanies while reading the last week. I’m supposed to be thinking about what I want from my big dream relationship. I want to focus my energy on the anticipation of that big dream relationship, but how can that big relationship fit into my already packed to the brim life?

It comes back to faith, I guess. I just opened a new window to look up the definition of faith in the dictionary.

Faith – firm belief in something for which there is no proof.

Firm belief, huh. At the moment, I’m having a difficult time finding even a flimsy belief that all that I’m chasing will come true.

I didn’t intend this to be a bitter post, I hope it isn’t coming off that way. I’m just a bit overwhelmed. Glass half full overwhelmed, but overwhelmed just the same.

I guess this present project is still working whether I’ve fallen off the grid or not, because I’m not escaping anything. I’m here, sitting vigil  in the mess of all of this and I’m not giving up. I’m grateful for the opportunity to be teaching amazing kids every day. I’m jazzed to be so close to getting my teaching license. I’m learning a ton and enjoying my classes, even if they are kicking my ass.

So for now I will do my best to focus on the idea of life being like a box of chocolates. Because you never know what you’re going to get. If you never know what you’re going to get, then you have a fifty-fifty chance of making it big and getting all you dreamed of. I hope in this life, I’ll be pleasantly surprised.

 

Please Hold…

It is after ten p.m. and I’m still buried under a massive pile of homework and student work to grade…

So here is a cute picture of Lilly to keep you until tomorrow!

I’m sorry that the night got away from me, but I will have a super post tomorrow!

Please hold – I’ll be with you shortly.

Heart on My Sleeve

Almost Happy Valentines day.

The Notebook is on t.v. and even though I have seen it nearly a billion times…I’m not going to change the channel. It’s one of the only movies that I enjoy more than the book. Don’t get me wrong, I love the book, but the movie took it to the next level. I think the chemistry between Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling made it magical. They changed the ending, but even that didn’t bother me. I love the scene when they dance in the street. I once enjoyed a slow dance in the street…

I also have been reading more of Meeting Your Half Orange by Amy Spencer. I was reluctant to pick up another self-help romance book because they generally are disappointing. This one, however, is well written and entertaining. I’m not very far into it because I’m juggling a handful of other books at the moment, but I think it was a good choice for this month. Check her out here for dating optimism and more.

This afternoon I was cold so I went upstairs to change and put on one of my favorite hooded sweaters. It’s covered with hearts (see picture above) and I don’t think it was a coincidence. I have love on the brain.

I have been reading about having faith and holding a belief that someone is making their way right to you. I’ve had a hard time with this in the past, but I’m doing my best to hold that thought and not focus on how or when it will happen – only to focus on the simple fact that it will happen.

Part of processing my feeling and staying present is committing to my truth. The truth is that I want to spend my life with a man who loves me. A man who I can love in return. I want a partnership, a lover, a partner in crime. Someone who makes me laugh and thinks I’m hilarious. A man who just has to smile and my world looks brighter. A safe place to land.

Wearing my heart on my sleeve hasn’t been easy the last ten years or so. My heart had been kicked around and I decided long ago to lock it away deep inside. I want to put myself out there. I want to try speed dating and meet new people. I want to feel confident that I’m a catch…

I’m scared. It’s that simple. I keep attempting to psych myself up and convince myself that there’s a lid for every pot. Then it all comes back to the fear. Sometimes the fear is all-encompassing that the one thing I want, need, crave more than anything else in this life will the one things that always eludes me.

I know I get in my own way. I’m learning more about myself every day and I think working through these books and my feelings will help alleviate the fear. I also know that nothing will change until I give it a try. I can’t expect the man of my dreams to walk right up to my door.

So, Happy Valentines Day everyone. I hope it’s a day filled with love and promise. I intend to work at all the padlocks around my healing heart. I might even have the courage to let it out for a while and see what happens.

 

 

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