Up A Creek

At least I still have a paddle…

Once again, I am late posting this week. This teaching stuff is messing with my head. After a 12 hour day yesterday, I came home and changed into my jammies and called it a night. It didn’t dawn on me until about an hour ago when Grey’s Anatomy came on that I had missed my Wednesday posting.

It has been a quiet week. I’ve been working away at my Mt. Everest of homework and I can report that as of Thursday evening, I have made it to base camp one. That isn’t super comforting, but it does mean that I’m making progress. Graduate school is not for sissies!

On top of all my homework, I’m also trying to get my resume in perfect order and begin the task of applying for teaching jobs. I went to a presentation at the career center on campus today and received some good information on how to tweak my resume and make it shine. I’ll take any shine I can get.

On a personal note – I’ve been pretty bad at taking care of myself: staying up too late, eating fast food, not exercising, not writing. I know that I need to get on a regular sleep schedule and I should get up earlier in the morning, but I just haven’t been able to manage that lately.

I’m going to work on at least trying a sleep schedule from now until Monday and see if that makes a difference in my energy level and my motivation to keep up on the stuff that matters to my soul, not just my education.

I’ll check in soon.




Walking Tall

It’s been a good couple of days. I haven’t finished figuring out my grid yet. We’ve had unexpected company in town all week and I started back at school for my final general education internship. I haveĀ  been working on my room and the organization has been going well. I haven’t finished because a lot of what I’d accomplished had to be brought back into the small space when the company got stranded here in Denver. That said, it won’t take much time over the weekend to finish up.

I’ve felt the need to purge stuff again too. I had a bit of a hoarding problem last year. It started after I lost my job in 2007. I started spending money like crazy on clothes and books. Mainly clothes. The depressing thing is that I found two complete outfits last week that still had tags on them. I can’t possibly wear all these clothes and I don’t want to store them anymore either when other people could put them to good use. There is a Dry Cleaner near my house that collects clothes for a woman’s day shelter and I think I will be contributing soon.

I also starting reading Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. I’m really enjoying it so far. I don’t start university classes until January 18, 2011 and I wanted to get in as much personal reading as I can. I still read for pleasure during school, but not as much as I’d like to because of all the required reading. Sara Gruen has a way of writing with extreme specificity that sucks you into the scene. I’m lucky to be able to create fine movies in my head as I read, but her writing makes the movie vivid with Technicolor.

Even though I’m enjoying Water for Elephants, it was depressing to know it has been sitting in my bookcase for over a year. The receipt was still sitting in the pages, boasting all my purchases from that day at the Tattered Cover. I realized in disgust that I haven’t read any of the books I bought that day, over a year ago. Like the clothes, I’ve decided that I have no business buying any new books anytime soon. I need to read the ones I already have and save my pennies for other things.

There’s a nice philosophy that I’ve never been good at where you get rid of something if you buy something new – to balance it out. Like if I get a new pair of jeans, I have to donate or sell another piece of clothing. I think I will be trying this out in 2011 as well. For the first time ever I’m understanding that all this stuff is holding me back and weighing me down. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the kind of person who can carry their whole life in a knapsack, but I could try to find a happy medium…

I have been spending time daily working on A Course in Weight Loss. It has been very enlightening, but this portion is definitely going to take more than 21 days. Just the first lesson may take a couple of weeks. Marianne Williamson asks you to take an honest look at all the emotions you have failed to acknowledge and process – shame, anger, judgement, unforgiveness ect. She asks you to write it all out. To not go unconscious. So far, I have been honest and unflinching as I go through this inventory of bricks that I’ve built around my heart and literally built as pounds on my body. It is draining to write it all out, but I haven’t acknowledged these feelings in a long time. I worried that airing all of these long hidden emotions would upset the apple cart and knock me into a tailspin. I thought that I better warn people to watch for falling rocks, but my emotions have been more on an even keel these last couple of days than they have been for a while. I’m surprised and encouraged. Every day I feel a little lighter, even just energetically.

I also noticed today that I’m not slouching any more. I walked down the hallway at school today and felt tall. I held my shoulders back. It was a nice change that other people noticed as well. I have been trying to decide what physical activity I’d like to tackle for this first 21 days. I think yoga or walking would be good. I want to start swimming again on a regular basis, but I’m low on funds right now and think that will have to wait for a while. I have all the yoga stuff any wannabe yogi would desire (another one of my many spending sprees over the years). It’s been pretty cold around here lately, so walking outdoors would be difficult on my lungs…I think Yoga is the winner. Besides, I am not flexible in the slightest and could use a dose of stretching every day. It also would be a good mind/body/spirit exercise. Sounds like I just made up my mind!

I haven’t finished my grid yet, but I’ll get that teased out and post it on the blog on Saturday. I know it will include small chunks of time devoted to writing, music, exercise and meditation. Marianne includes many great reflections and visualizations in A Course in Weight Loss. I have to admit that I’ve looked ahead a bit. I’m going to spend time daily working through these meditations/visualizations for the 21 days to see what that could bring to my present.

I have to admit that it made me mighty nervous to post what I did last time and be so honest about my doubts and shortcomings. However, I feel better getting it out of my skin and onto the page (web page). I think just the act of committing it here gave me more power to proceed and move toward change. I was afraid that letting it out would make me feel smaller and embarrassed, but I think it did the opposite. I’m walking tall and learningĀ  to like the view.


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