Finding My Way Home

Hello blog!

I have had so much to write about and just haven’t found a free minute to get it down. I don’t think I will get it all down in this one post, but it was time to jump back in.

I am loving my new job and my new home. I feel like my whole life has turned upside down, in a wonderful way. I haven’t been this much at peace in a long time. I am still a bit nervous about money, but I know that fear is connected to old days. I think I need a couple more months of success under my belt and that should help show me that those days are over.

This has been a stressful week, but just in the sense that I have had so much to do at school. The pace has definitely picked up and there is no stopping this train. I am grateful to be on the ride.

I am enjoying being on my own again. I love my mom and dad and I am thankful that I had a place to land, but it is SO wonderful to be in my own spot.  I have felt stuck and slipping like I was living in quicksand for  years. It feels good to have seen some reward from the hard work these last two years.

Moving was more emotional than I expected it to be. I think seeing all the mess from my old life was too much. At first, I wasn’t sure I would be strong enough to go through all of it again, but I realized quickly just how much I had changed since January. I was able to easily let go of all sorts of stuff – clothes, books, shoes, kitchen stuff. Anything that didn’t suit me anymore had to go. I had an easy time letting that old me go. Like shedding my skin, it didn’t fit anymore and it all fell away. I am the changing leaves of fall, I am letting the past die to make way for new buds of hope.

This last weekend I was able to go to Buena Vista. I wanted to catch some of the autumn leaves, but we had a cold snap on Saturday. It was still beautiful and made for some interesting pictures. It was unbelievable to experience multiple seasons at once. I also got some good rest. That mountain house is like a sedative. I think my soul just recognizes that I can unwind when I walk through the doors.

I have been making good decisions about my own care. I have been eating well, exercising and getting at least 7 hours of rest most nights. I will say that this is happening more often than not. I also am being super brave this weekend. I will be attending my first singles event here in Denver. A lock and key party. It is very Freud and I hope it will be very fun. I will post all about it this weekend.

I’m going to wait to post until Sunday this week because of the event. I will be posting regular again starting now. I have missed documenting my journey here. I know I have been missing in action, but I have still been evolving!

Talk soon.

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Building a Lasting Foundation

This is a small Saint Francis shrine that my mom has outside her house. A couple of weeks ago, a frantic blue bird began building a nest on top of the shrine. In her urgency, she built a lopsided mess. It fell less than a day later. I never saw her again. I wonder if she was able to build a second nest in time for her babies. I wonder if they have a safe home.

I thought it was fitting that she built her nest on the patron saint of animals and the environment. I also thought it was a lot like my own life lately. I have been frantically trying to build a nest for myself (and perhaps, my future babies) and in my urgency, I may be building it all lopsided. I may have spent all this time and energy on something that is bound to come crashing down.

I know that teaching is definitely one of my callings. I feel blessed to be so close to that being a reality. But in the process of doing all that needed to be done to complete my teaching license, I have been ignoring the parts of my nest that really constitute a foundation. Like sleep or healthy boundaries, good nutritious food and creative expression. I also have been putting all my trust out into the ether and not enough trust in myself. I have been building a faulty nest that isn’t safe for me or anyone else.

Things are way up in the air right now. I have been trying to exert my control over situations and relationships that I have NO way of controlling or manipulating. I don’t mean that to sound negative, but I have been trying to orchestrate my life for so long that it’s incredibly unnerving to just allow things to unfold. I’m learning how to react and respond to what is actually happening instead of retreating inward and deciding what reality really is.

I stood up for myself last week with a friend who was being unreasonable. I had to. I hated saying it, but I had to. I couldn’t pretend that it was a situation that was perfect for me even though I knew he would be hurt. I may have fatally injured a relationship I cherish, but I also understand that if this could fracture us in such a profound way, maybe our friendship had been built on a faulty foundation. Maybe it only seemed sturdy because I was always agreeable to his demands and needs. Once I exerted my own needs, maybe that was the last straw…

I want to focus on myself. Not in a selfish way, but in a healthy way. A lot of my support systems are changing. One of my best friends and biggest supports is more than likely moving soon. It is the right thing for her family, but I can’t help but be sad and scared about not having her here to help catch me when I fall.  But I think it may be exactly what I need. I’m building new relationships that are proving to be important to my evolution as a human being. These relationships are healing me – I don’t know what will happen in the long run, but I do know that I am building something strong as we slowly peel back the layers and get to know each other.

Part of building a lasting foundation is taking the time to look at what you have to work with in reality…not in fantasy or delusion. I’m wanting to build something lasting and strong. I know that in order to do that I have to slow down and take a breath. I need to continue to protect myself and erect healthy boundaries with some people while also being brave enough to let other people in and learn to be vulnerable and trusting. I need to trust myself and believe in my own talent and skill. I need to carefully pick each branch and twig and find the proper place for it in my nest, constantly reevaluating the filler that doesn’t assist me in my quest. I need to look at this nest, this life, from every angle and build a foundation that I know is safe and sound.

On the Rocks

There is a patch of flowers growing on the side of my parent’s garage. A small bunch of beautiful purple blooms amidst the rocks. No one planted them, but some how there they are thriving.

It reminded me of my life right now. I am essentially in the rocks as well. My life is crazy right now. I officially took over the classroom today. I’m working on my “practice” solo days this week, so my Clinical Teacher is in the room, but I’m running the show.

It was a good day, but my brain is pretty mushy tonight. I went to dinner with my mom and ran some errands. It’s too late to really work on any school work and I know I would be working at half brain capacity anyway. Some I’m going to call it a night.

Even though I’m in the rocks, I’m also blooming. I’m worried about not being paid, but I’m doing what I love in the classroom. I’m seeing my students grow and watching them learn is one of my greatest joys. I working through the scar tissue around my heart and am finally allowing people in. I’m in a healthy place emotionally. I am learning how to be present in all areas of my life, especially in my relationships.

I am a purple flower. I’m still in the rocks, but I’m blossoming.

Bloom

The Risk To Bloom

And then the day came

when the risk to remain

tight in a bud was

more painful than the

risk to bloom.

Anais Nin

That has been one of my favorite quotes since I first read it almost ten years ago in the Artist’s Way. This morning, I came down stairs to find these beautiful tulips on the table. I felt inspired to photograph them and knew that I wanted to focus this post on Anais Nin’s brilliant quote.

During April I have felt that I am finally taking that painful leap to risk blooming. I have been placed in situations, especially in terms of healing my heart, where I have been very tempted to operate with my usual sabotaging behavior. However, because I am committed to this project, I have stayed present and am happy to report that it is making all the difference.

This afternoon, I read a recommendation for a daily reflection book called The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. I was so impressed with the sample, that I had to buy it. I downloaded it to my iPod and was trying to scroll to todays date, when I went too far. I landed on May 15th and lo and behold, the Anais Nin quote was staring back at me. That was definitely a sign.

Mark Nepo talks in the essay about how roses that won’t open are called bullets. These bullets are thrown out because they have turned in on themselves and will never release their fragrance. As I read this essay, I was shaken by some of his words and saw myself in them like a mirror, “Unlike roses, however, the human chamber can be shut down for years, and still, it takes but one breath from the true center and we will flower. We can flower in an instant, as soon as the pain of not flowering and not loving become greater than our fear.”

I’m still scared, but the blooming process has begun and my heart has begun to open again.

I have been very inspired creatively this week and I am excited to report that I wrote a song today. I haven’t even finished a lyric in over a year. I was in the car with my parents and I got this image in my head of a heart with a padlock on it. I thought to myself that would be good in a song…and it just started to pour out of me. I was glad to have my iPod with me because I sat in the garage and wrote in my notes as my parents went inside. I sat there for about 15 minutes and let the song come through.

It felt freeing and it is one of the best lyrics I have ever written. It is my truth for the moment and it’s nice to see that truth in song form. Now I have to play around with some melodies and see where the song will take me next. I’m excited to see inside as  the petals unfold.

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