Exhausted

Hello blog,

I’m sorry I have been avoiding you. School is great, but the commute is KILLING me! That said, I am moving in a week and a half and that will help improve my life a great deal. I wanted to give a real post with honest reflection and news, however I would need some heavy-duty super glue to keep my eyelids open…I will check back in tomorrow.

Thanks for understanding.

Love,

Mary

The Rain is Gone

My parents have been up on the western slope for a week and I’m super jealous. I was only able to go up for two days this summer. I think I am going to go up for Labor day which will be nice.

I thought about posting on Saturday and never did get on the computer to do so. I ran a bunch of errands and went shopping. I took myself to a movie.

It was a nice weekend, but I’m sorry I forgot to post. I need to get back to my grid in September. I kinda let some things fall away in late July/early August  but now that I am settling into my new teacher life, I think I can get back to some of the things I was tackling with this project.

I can say that I have been making healthier choices for myself and that feels good. The fridge is stocked with fresh fruits and veggies and I have been sleeping better.

Right now I am driving about an hour both ways so I am hoping to find a place much closer to school and move in September. A friend lives in a great apartment complex not to far away from work and I’m going to go check it out this week.

It’s an amazing peaceful feeling to have things in my life falling into place. I am much more at ease these days then I have been in a long time. I’m also having an easier time setting boundaries with people in my life. I still care and love them, but I am not running in to put out their fires any more. The part of me that used to be is not quite gone – I still feel a bit of guilt about not rushing to the rescue, but that part of me is getting smaller and smaller.

I am still dealing with the disappointments of another unrequited love, but it is so much more complicated and simple than what the stereotype of unrequited love implies. There are moments when we are together when I know without a shadow of a doubt that someone even better is headed my way, but there are also other moments when I am shaken by how much I care for him and I am floored by our connection. The beauty of it is that we found each other this time around and I believe with all my being that we will make our way back to each other again.

In the Book of Awakening, Mark Nepo talks about getting bogged down in disappointment of any kind – Sometimes we can’t get what we want. While this can be disappointing and painful, it is only devastating if we stop there. The world thrives on endless possibilities. In contradiction to the endless number of eggs that spawn a fish and the endless number of cells that blossom to heal a wound, we can hold out the one thing we want as the only food. From here, crisis and desperation are a short step. It becomes a sorry occupation, beating oneself up for the one seed that didn’t take. For once we pour ourselves into loving another person, it seems as if they take who we are with them when they go. In truth, they take a deep part of us, but what feeds the heart from within is endless, and everything that is living heals.

It is a prophetic truth that even the most broken eventually heals. I am healing in deeper ways than I expected.

Presto Chango

This picture doesn’t connect to this post much, but I took it about a month ago and hadn’t had a moment to use it in a post yet.

A lot has changed since I last posted. Not my M.I.A post from this weekend, but a real post. I was getting pretty down and slumpy, not knowing why things had just stalled out. I have worked super hard during this masters program and had felt that I made good impressions, but nothing seemed to be happening in the job market for me. I was applying and applying, but not getting calls. I knew that the teaching market was competitive, but every time I heard that someone had been hired, I was happy for them but I seemed to sink a little deeper into despair.

And then…

Everything changed. There was one excruciating week when I didn’t know anything, but my life literally changed last Tuesday afternoon. I am officially a teacher. A special education teacher to be exact and it is perhaps the most exciting thing to happen this century. That might be an exaggeration, but I doubt it 🙂

It has been a bit overwhelming because I reported to school the morning after I received the life changing phone call and as a new special ed teacher I have had to be in a bunch of training, but I am not complaining at all!

I know people complain about teaching salaries, but it might as well be a million dollars to me. It will more than afford me a secure living and I have access to amazing insurance benefits, not to mention getting the honor to work with incredible kids everyday.

These last two weeks have been a testament to my personal growth this year. I have always been determined and persistent, I have never been very skilled at sharing and being honest with my struggles. It is incredibly difficult for me to lean on anyone. In my excitement, I posted on Facebook and asked for good vibes to be sent my way. As the week progressed without any word, I almost kicked myself for spouting my mouth at all because then I would have all those people to answer to if I didn’t get it. However, I tried and succeeded to push those thoughts away most of the time.

I also received an immeasurable amount of support from people because I reached out and I honestly believe that it made a big difference. In many ways the process was spiritual and faith affirming. And I was welcomed at my new school with open arms. It felt comfortable from the first day and that is a blessing too.

Even as my frustration was on the rise and I was questioning why things were shaking out the way they were, I knew that I can’t always know what is happening behind the scenes for my greater good. Yesterday, my dad reminded me of how miserable I was before I took this teaching journey. He reminded me about an awful tragedy that seem insurmountable at the time, but that moment when it seemed like my life was crashing down around me, actually was the catalyst I needed to guide me to my true path.

I know there will be challenges, but I could not be happier to have the opportunity to take this job!

Presto Chango – brand new day!

Who’s Exhausted?

I have so much to write and every day I think that I will get too it, but it just hasn’t happened yet.

I owe an explanation and I have a really good excuse…really, I do.

However, I can’t do it right now. I am so tired that I need to pin back my eyelids in order to continue.

So – I will do all my catch up this Wednesday.

Sorry I was M.I.A. for a bit.

Talk soon.

Fire and Rain

I had the chance to go to the mountains for a couple of days this week which was bliss. It wasn’t enough time, but at least I got a couple of days. It rained hard every day, but I was able to go soak in the hot springs and spend some time in Salida. I even found a pair of peacock rain boots at a 2nd hand shop.

I’ve been out of the loop for over a week. Mainly because I’ve been working and in spots without internet. I’ve been kind of inside a shell anyway.

I interviewed for a special education job last Monday. I thought the interview went pretty well and they said they would be trying to make a decision that day or the next. I went home and packed for the mountains full of hope and excitement.

I had a great and relaxing time in Buena Vista with my mom, but never heard anything back about the job. I came home and went to pugsit for my aunt and a couple more days passed with no word. I finally texted my friend who works at the school. She found out that they narrowed it down to four candidates, including me. Two first year teachers and two veterans. They told her that they wanted someone with more experience, but if I made the cut, they had to think I had something special to offer.

That was Thursday.

I still haven’t heard. I hope I’ll know something this week. Part of me feels like I’ve already lost it, but I’ve been trying to squash those thoughts whenever they crop up. I know that I would do a good job. I felt a rapport with the other special ed teacher and I felt I was genuine.

As a friend of mine said in a voice message tonight, if it doesn’t work out it’s only because there is something better waiting for me.

Even though it rained most of the time I was away, I saw little glimmers of light – like this wet flower. It had been weathered a bit, yet it was still a bright spot to remind me that something better is always waiting when the clouds clear out.

I’ll be better about posting this week. I’ll keep you posted about the job.