Divine Intervention

Sorry there wasn’t a post on Wednesday. I had a 16 hour day and felt very sick when I got home about 10:30. The rest of the week flew by and got away from me.

I have been working through The Book of Awakening and I’m loving it. The writing is so beautiful and I find myself wanting to skip ahead and devour all of it because it’s just so uplifting. I’m also really getting a lot from the meditations. They are making me think and pushing me out of my comfort level…urging me out of the little box I’ve been sitting in for so long.

The Universe is urging me to speak up. It’s on the radio – Say what you need to say. It’s in the Tarot cards – Don’t give up and speak up for your needs. It’s in the Mark Nepo daily essays – Still it is the heart’s capacity to rise one more time after falling down, no matter how bruised. Our way depends not just on facing things head on, but in moving our whole being through.

I’m standing on the edge of a ravine, looking at the other side. I can see the lush scenery and my head knows that all I have to do is jump. My heart, however, remembers all the times I have fallen in the past and is so scared to leap again.

I want to speak up. I want to tell how I feel. I want to know that my love would be accepted and welcomed with open arms. Yet, I’m too scared to voice it for fear that more of my love will go to waste.

I keep praying for a sign, but what I’m really praying for is proof that I won’t be hurt…those prayers will go unanswered because I know that is an impossible request. I am too afraid to speak up, but even more afraid that my life won’t change or I won’t change until I do say what I need to say.

I guess now I need to pray for divine intervention and ask for help in getting out of my own way. I have thought for years how easy it would be to have someone else speak up to me, tell me their true feelings, but then I would never learn this lesson.  I’m being present. I’m trying to stand in the eye of the storm. Maybe I’ll be able to take this necessary leap to the other side soon.

Dazed and Confused

I’ve been obsessed with photographing flowers lately. I don’t know why. I’m enjoying these pictures though. I have a ton of homework to do and I had my last Saturday class today. It was nice to finish it even though its been the best class I’ve had so far. I have to turn in plans for my solo weeks on Tuesday and I’m incredibly sleep deprived…I’m a bit dazed to say the least.

The confusion comes in the form of mixed signals and false starts. I’m at another crossroad and am wondering why my soul chose this? I know I will understand it all eventually, but right now it’s just confusing.

I know this is cryptic. If I had the right words to explain, I would. Right now I just want to go to bed.

On a happier note, I played a bunch of guitar today and my fingers hurt but my creative heart is pleased!

Talk soon and hopefully the clouds of confusion will have cleared.

On the Rocks

There is a patch of flowers growing on the side of my parent’s garage. A small bunch of beautiful purple blooms amidst the rocks. No one planted them, but some how there they are thriving.

It reminded me of my life right now. I am essentially in the rocks as well. My life is crazy right now. I officially took over the classroom today. I’m working on my “practice” solo days this week, so my Clinical Teacher is in the room, but I’m running the show.

It was a good day, but my brain is pretty mushy tonight. I went to dinner with my mom and ran some errands. It’s too late to really work on any school work and I know I would be working at half brain capacity anyway. Some I’m going to call it a night.

Even though I’m in the rocks, I’m also blooming. I’m worried about not being paid, but I’m doing what I love in the classroom. I’m seeing my students grow and watching them learn is one of my greatest joys. I working through the scar tissue around my heart and am finally allowing people in. I’m in a healthy place emotionally. I am learning how to be present in all areas of my life, especially in my relationships.

I am a purple flower. I’m still in the rocks, but I’m blossoming.

Bloom

The Risk To Bloom

And then the day came

when the risk to remain

tight in a bud was

more painful than the

risk to bloom.

Anais Nin

That has been one of my favorite quotes since I first read it almost ten years ago in the Artist’s Way. This morning, I came down stairs to find these beautiful tulips on the table. I felt inspired to photograph them and knew that I wanted to focus this post on Anais Nin’s brilliant quote.

During April I have felt that I am finally taking that painful leap to risk blooming. I have been placed in situations, especially in terms of healing my heart, where I have been very tempted to operate with my usual sabotaging behavior. However, because I am committed to this project, I have stayed present and am happy to report that it is making all the difference.

This afternoon, I read a recommendation for a daily reflection book called The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo. I was so impressed with the sample, that I had to buy it. I downloaded it to my iPod and was trying to scroll to todays date, when I went too far. I landed on May 15th and lo and behold, the Anais Nin quote was staring back at me. That was definitely a sign.

Mark Nepo talks in the essay about how roses that won’t open are called bullets. These bullets are thrown out because they have turned in on themselves and will never release their fragrance. As I read this essay, I was shaken by some of his words and saw myself in them like a mirror, “Unlike roses, however, the human chamber can be shut down for years, and still, it takes but one breath from the true center and we will flower. We can flower in an instant, as soon as the pain of not flowering and not loving become greater than our fear.”

I’m still scared, but the blooming process has begun and my heart has begun to open again.

I have been very inspired creatively this week and I am excited to report that I wrote a song today. I haven’t even finished a lyric in over a year. I was in the car with my parents and I got this image in my head of a heart with a padlock on it. I thought to myself that would be good in a song…and it just started to pour out of me. I was glad to have my iPod with me because I sat in the garage and wrote in my notes as my parents went inside. I sat there for about 15 minutes and let the song come through.

It felt freeing and it is one of the best lyrics I have ever written. It is my truth for the moment and it’s nice to see that truth in song form. Now I have to play around with some melodies and see where the song will take me next. I’m excited to see inside as  the petals unfold.

Calling All Angels

This has been an emotional week. I had the day from hell on Monday and I just kind of lost it on my way to class in the evening. Luckily, my mom was able to talk me down a little bit. The last two days have been better, but I ended up crying again tonight after I saw a touching profile of a young cancer patient on the nightly news. I think the stress of my program, all the homework and lessons to plan, and being on steroids for two weeks left me a bit thin-skinned.

Not to mention, I’ve been trying to get some more sleep and the last two nights I’ve woken up at 4 am for no apparent reason. As I type this, my eyes are drooping…

I don’t handle transitions well. I never have. Even as a young child I would be overcome with extreme anxiety when I was faced with any change. I’m staring down a huge transition right now. I am grieving having to leave a school that I love and I’m overwhelmed with anxiety about needing to find a job when soooo many teachers are also looking.

I have always been led to great opportunities and I have no reason to believe that this will be any different.

This afternoon, I spoke to a friend of mine on the phone. She is riddled with worry right now and I caught myself giving her advice that I needed to hear too. There is no sense making yourself sick over a fearful situation. Focusing on all that negative energy is the worst thing to do. After that conversation, I turned inward to give myself the same pep talk. Now I’m trying to surrender and put my angels on it.

I know for certain that I have a slew of angels protecting me and guiding me all the time. However, sometimes my vision gets cloudy. I think I needed to work through my own worry today by trying to help someone else.

She also helped me by reminding me that I can’t expect to be perfect and even the days where I feel like I’ve failed are opportunities for growth. The pendulum has swung both ways this week – failure and success. She helped to remind me that I’m still a student, I’m still learning.

So in the meantime, I can focus on being present and leave the rest to my army of angels.

Seeing the Light

Today was one of those great spring days when you catch yourself enjoying your life. Those small moments where you realize that at that exact moment, you are perfectly content. In the past when this would happen, the realization would break the peaceful spell and I would go back to life as usual, but today I felt the happiness last all the rest of the afternoon.

I had class all day, but I’m learning such great stuff, it didn’t bother me. My brain hurt by the time we were dismissed, but I know that it’s just because my brain is  trying to soak it all up! I know that what I’m learning will make me a much better educator.

Later, after class, I spent some time with one of my best friends and her family. I hadn’t seen her in weeks because of being sick. It was wonderful to be with her again today and to get a baby and puppy fix too.

We talked a lot about relationships and all their intricacies and complexities. We talked about another friend of ours who is in a difficult relationship. We talked about how marriage is difficult, even when you are with the right person. We talked about our siblings and mothers and fathers. We spoke of healing relationships and healing ourselves through our relationships – good ones and bad ones. We discussed how even the trying relationships are a valuable use of our time in preparing us for the next step in our journeys.

We discussed my own evolution in relation to my relationships. I have been working hard on being present and at the beginning of this project, I was still uneasy with some of the relationships in my life. For years every time I met someone, I would travel in my mind to the farthest point in the future – trying to put us into a box of my own creation. I know now that this was another attempt at self-protection and only served to keep me isolated and alone.

Now I am staying present and allowing. Allowing the natural progression to take place and appreciate it as it’s happening – not what it will be like in ten years or even thirty minutes. I’m learning to be inside my relationships right now.

My friend was pleased to hear about this development and expressed that she had been hoping I would have this shift in thinking for a long time. It felt like a confirmation that I am still on the right path with this inner journey. I’m beginning to see the light about my self and my connection to others. It’s beautiful. Like catching colorful reflections of light on a perfect day. Or understanding that being content with my life makes this day perfect.

Starting Fresh

I’m FINALLY feeling better today. I had to be put on a third round of antibiotics and another week of prednisone, but I’m not feeling like an elephant is sitting on my chest anymore. That is certainly a step in the right direction 🙂

I was flipping through an old O magazine last night as I did a nebulizer treatment and I was reading about books that matter to Yoko Ono. One of the books looked pretty interesting so I looked it up on Amazon. 50 Secrets of the World’s Longest Living People by Sally Beare. Similar to the books I’ve been reading by Michael Pollan, it seems that a drastic change in my diet could be the best thing for my immediate health and a brighter future.

I started reading it last night on my Kindle and although some of it seems like simple advice, it’s still advice I need to hear and heed. The long living Okinawans say, “Food and medicine from the same source.” The idea that changing my diet might prevent me from having to go through this hellish illness again, is worth a shot.

So I will be finishing my reading and research this 21 day period and start implementing some of this lifestyle changes this month. I intend to reformat my diet completely before my birthday in May. I found a great groupon today for a door to door organic food delivery service and I think that is a good place to start. A fresh start!

Painful Metamorphosis

I always thought that butterflies were beautiful, but I have to admit that the symbolism seemed kind of trite. I am now thinking that trite or not, it is very appropriate symbolism and imagery in my life right now.

I’m feeling better. I slept better last night than I have all week and that I think has made all the difference. I don’t have much energy yet – at best the energy level of a rinsed noodle. But I digress… back to the matter at hand. I dreamed of butterflies last night. I have been reading about butterfly gardens. I have butterflies on the brain.

March seems like a wash. I was so busy with school stuff and ignoring most of my human needs that I don’t feel like I got much accomplished on this journey. It wasn’t wasted time…it never is. I hope that April brings new commitment and hope and warmth of Spring.

We all know that butterflies represent transformation. In the span of a month, the small creature expends an enormous amount of energy to go through such a painful metamorphosis. After doing some research this morning, I realized another important element of symbolism for me.

The butterfly embraces this painful change as a natural part of its existence. It fully accepts its call to change as a natural part of life. It has faith that after the dark night of the soul, it will emerge from the lonely cocoon as a thing of great beauty. It will unfurl its vibrant wings and fly off into freedom.

This week has been a painful reminder that my health needs attention. I may not be able to cure myself of asthma, but I can take better care of myself in the interim. April is going to be about really trying to find that balance and begin to nurture myself. I have to. It’s too important to put off any longer. I know I wanted that back in January, yet this illness has shown me that I’m still just going through the motions. These 21 days will be about going inside. My transformation may still be painful, but I’m trying to have faith like the butterfly that I will emerge a thing of beauty and find freedom on the other side.